All we are is all we are

There are some areas of my life that have been bad for so long. Now I have good things happening and I don't trust it. I'm suspicious of beauty, happiness. I try to enjoy it--and I do--but sometimes I'm just waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me. I'm gun shy.

In small doses, this probably isn't so bad. Keeps me from taking the good things for granted. Trouble is, this isn't small doses.

Really, I've always had plenty of self-doubt. It's served me well: I'm not often overconfident, always trying to improve, and I listen more than I talk.

I guess I'm just seeing that there are unhealthy sides to this, too.

I don't know if this ties in, but it's something else I want to talk about. This is my arbitrary segue.

Segue.

Why don't we believe in good? I was talking with some friends about what heaven means, what it means to advance the Kingdom. We can believe in God, but not Good.

We can believe in alot. There's no issue for some people in accepting a literal 6 day creation, a many-headed beast, a moon made of blood, stars falling out of the sky, and so on.

These are things I have trouble believing literally. Fantastic stories taken literally, philosophically justified and scientifically emasculated. We take these beautiful, colorful stories and imprison them in the monochrome bronze of fact.

I digress.
My point is this: so many people can take the most unbelievable things as literal fact but when it comes to taking Jesus at His word, we just won't swallow it.

He talks about making the world a better place. "Oh, come on. Are you serious? Look at this world. You really think it's going to get better?"
What if I do? I know it's a bad place. I've seen ugly, terrible things and I know I have a relatively good life.

But I've seen beautiful things. There's good here, too.

The Bible. Christian history. Human history. Our history has always been about creation, redemption, rebirth, rescue. Never escape. Never waiting for destruction so we (or God) can start over. God hasn't given up on us. We've given up on ourselves.

We sit in our ivory towers and lament the fall of man. We do nothing. At best we busy ourselves with some good deed, some token gesture of love. But we hold on to our defeatism: "Sure, we may do some good here, but this whole world is lost. We can only hope to touch a few."

And so we only touch a few.

Nietzsche wrote that "The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad."

I couldn't agree more.

But how can we undo this?

Traffic

I like to comment on other people's driving ability. I like to complain about how people don't understand the nuances of driving etiquette that no one really understands. I like to feel smart while I'm doing this.

I also like to roll through stop signs. I like to turn on red. I don't like to be bothered checking my blind spot. They'll move. They always do. And don't give me that "bad driver" crap. I know things. Things about driving.

Isn't this how we are with life? We can sit and bitch for hours about friends or family or strangers and the way they do [action] all the time. I can complain about politicians, celebrities, and "kids these days" for the better part of forever. I can feel like a good person because I'm not like them. But if you start in on me, I won't stand for it. I am intimately familiar with my own flaws, thank you. I'm doing my best to ignore them, and I don't need you messing all that up.

I'm just sayin', is all.

We are not.

We are not well adjusted.
We are not well off.
We are not well.
We are not.

I keep expecting things that I know will never happen and
I keep ending up right here,
Somehow suprised that the results haven't changed.

People walk away,
our safe realities fall to pieces,
dreams and nightmares will both end in waking.
Sooner or later, everything fails, falls, and breaks down.

I keep thinking I want to do something about it,
but I have to wonder if it's really worth the effort.

Will it even make a difference?
Why fight entropy?
It's the law!

Besides, I'm as maladjusted as anyone I might presume to help.
I offer advice, only to have my own flaws lain out quite nicely in front of me.

"Why should I listen to you?

Excellent question.
You shouldn't.

But you also should.
I've learned quite a lot from listening to people.

I listened to you for the longest time.
I trusted your voice because there were years behind it.
I trusted your age and experience.

I listened to you because you were young and your ideas moved me.
You had perspective and innocence I was sure I'd lost.

I listened because you had more things than I.
I listened because you were happy with so little.

I listened because I looked up to you.
I listened because you looked up to me, and I wanted to know what could possess you to do such a thing.

I listened because you were not me.

I was convinced you had some great secret that came with not being me,
And if I listened long enough, I'd learn the Secret (no, not that one) and be someone new.

All that listening and I think I've figured you out.
I know your Secret.
It's just not what I thought.
See, the big Secret is, you're not any different.
You're every bit as fucked up as I am.

You're as scared as I ever was or will be.
You're terrified and insecure,
and the only thing you've ever been sure of is that you're

the only one

and you'll be damned before you let anyone see you

like this.

Maybe the best help I can offer isn't advice.
Maybe it is the assurance that you're not the only one like this.

I guess that makes it my Secret, too.
I wonder who has looked at me, wondering what I knew that made me so different.
So sorry if I let you down.

Truth is, we are not what we wished for.
We are not what we were promised.
We are not below a little self-righteousness and pride.
We are not above our basest instincts.
We are not the pinnacle of evolution.
We are not here for the amusement of God.
We are not getting the point.
We are not the point.
We.
A r e.
N o t.